a good girl is hard to find

nipples. that's what joe thought of when he was bored. every girl he met in school became a new fantasy and every night he would fall asleep to these fantasies. he wasn't a deviant by any means; no, when he fantasied he fantasied about marrying these girls and making love to them on their honeymoon. he wasn't like the other boys ranking each girl by a numerical value or filtering the girls into the "yeah, i'd tap that" category. in fact, joe was a virgin himself, and had never had a girlfriend. he just found these games to be below him and believed that every girl deserved to be in one of his fantasies. he walked around choosing who he would fall asleep to tonight. in his mind he was justified in having sex with these girls in his mind because in his mind he was married to every girl he met or looked at, and there was nothing wrong about that. he would lay in his bed or sit in his chair at his computer and consumate his marriage to his thoughts of these girls.

the girls on his computer screen were real to him; they were his perfect girlfriend. they wanted him and he wanted them. they gave him what he wanted and did not judge him; they became useful objects to him just as a toilet or sink was to him. to joe these girls were as real to him as were his fantasies. he would love them in his mind, flush them out of his mind when he was done, and he'd wash his hands clean of it ready to look for another. but sometimes ever so slightly he would feel guilt. the guilt did not last more than a few moments after his release, but it was still there. he wrote it off as the remnants of a man-made society of ethics and morals that suppressed human desire, but were today outdated and irrelevant. society had said that pornography was "smut" and was turning people into perverts. but joe knew that all people were animals and animals were carnal.

in middle school he remembers how the girls came of age, by giving blowjobs to their crushes in the dark corners of the theatre or outside the trailers of the school. he remembered how he was walking out of the theatre after a preview of Romeo and Juliet and how ashley was doing it to johnny in the back near the emergency doors. he remembered how he walked past them and the fire in johnny's eyes and the fire that sparked inside of himself. teachers caught them and joe remembers what his mother said to him, "back in my day we'd at least make a game out of it; spin a bottle or something, but you kids are straight to the point!" and she left it at that. his father commented on how the sex ed program wasn't doing enough. joe found out about the internet soon after through a guy named eric. they had gotten detention for cursing in class and weren't allowed to talk for an hour after school so they decided to practice reading lips. eric mouthed curse words and after he got it out of his system he mouthed, "i went on the internet and saw two naked ladies having sex." at least that's what joe thought eric said. then one day zack brought a sports illustrated magazine to school: the swimsuit edition. "i tried to sneak it in my backpack, but my dad caught me and i thought i was going to get beat for sure, but he said, 'oh, you're into that stuff now, huh zack?' and he let me take it." that was it for joe, he went home and complained to his mom that all the schoolwork now was easy to do because everyone had internet and they didn't. he even remarked to his mother that one kid brought a watch to school that could go on the internet. he didn't mention to his mother that they had tried to go on playboy.com with it, but failed.

joe remembers how he was watching tv one day and pamela anderson took her clothes off to be funny on SNL, but joe didn't laugh. he wanted to know what was behind the censors so he went to connect his dial-up phone line and went on the internet. he waited in anticipation as the images loaded slowly, but surely. nipples, then vagina. he remembers the blood rush, his heartbeat, rubbing himself later that night to an explosive climax. he scared the hell out of himself, wondering what the milky substance that came out of his penis was. it wasn't urine and he thought of glue and wanted to throw up. he felt the guilt strongest then. he went to sleep that night thinking of fully dressed girls in Catholic school uniforms. later he remembers going into the bathroom thinking of naked women and the tension he needed to release. he stroked himself wondering if this was how urine was churned into semen like milk was to butter. he remembers the euphoric, enlightening pleasure. he wanted to feel like this all the time. he came home after school every day and went into the basement to surf television channels for women who showed any bit of flesh. if his mother was out he would go into the living room surfing through hundreds of pictures that he committed to memory so he could recall them for later.

joe remembers how he asked his parents to move the computer upstairs into his room so he could focus on schoolwork more and for cable internet so he could work efficiently. his parents did not touch the computer and agreed because it would not make sense to turn down a boy's birthday wishes to do better in school. joe would come home every day and finish his work and spend the rest of the time finding new things. he found hardcore pornography which disgusted him, but hooked him at the same time. he felt nauseous and sick when he saw the moneyshots and wondered if women really enjoyed this. after a while, he didn't question it, he realized that maybe this was what sex was really like and this is what men and women wanted: each other's flesh. between school work and pornography joe could not find the time for girls. he hung out with a few friends from school who he befriended for the sole sake of talking about girls. while his friends ventured out and risked rejection from girls joe had no intention of going out with any girl. his girls were the girls on the screen who never judged him or rejected him. while his friends struck the jackpot of losing their virginity or at least half joe had no intention of doing so. this was joe's pride: that he was in this way physically pure. he had only tainted himself mentally, but not spiritually or physically. what happened in his mind stayed in his mind and effected no one else, but himself. he figured that if he had felt that guilt and fear the first time he had released himself then to do that inside of a girl would destroy him. to pleasure himself was an extension of his fantasy, but to carry out that fantasy into the real world scared him tremendously. so he stayed away from the opposite sex declaring to himself, "i have all the girls i could ever want." he was content or so he thought until he met anna.

to be continued...