pain

about a year and three months ago, i woke up one morning to a shooting pain that was going down my right leg. i went on with my regular morning, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, sitting down on the john and flushing out the system. i hoped that the pain would go away if i ignored it, but when i sat down on that toilet i couldn't shake the pain away. i banged my thigh with my fist just to numb out the dull pain. i went about my morning hoping that it would go away after a few days. i blamed the pain in my leg to bad circulation, so i even put my feet in hot water to get the blood going. when that didn't work i scheduled another acupuncture appointment, so i could go get this sorted out when i got home for winter break.

i had received some acupuncture a few months prior to that morning for an injury to my lower back. my back went out after i played basketball and when i got home to my apartment, i was dying for some bengay or icy hot to alleviate the soreness in my back. just a sports injury, i thought. the best athletes were vulnerable to injuries. yeah, i was no elite athlete, but it made me feel better to compare myself with the football and basketball players who got to watch the game from the sidelines in comfort while their teammates moved on without them. it was like a badge of honor for me. i had started lifting weights a few months prior to that and this injury meant that i should take it easy for a while. i was working too hard. i guess all the newfound muscle and ego in me thought that this was just a bump in the road and that i would be back in the gym in no time. but for the time being, i could enjoy myself and rest.

i started working out when i got back from missions in china. it was the middle of summer, in july, and i had leaned out a bit from the missions trip. we hung out with orphans, prayed, walked around, ate meatsticks and hot pots and ice cream and drank soda, and we walked some more. it was great spiritually, mentally, and physically. the high altitude that we were at helped my cardio a bit and i was a lot more leaner that i had been in a long time. i felt good, looked good, and it was time to bulk up. why? why do guys do anything? it's one of two choices. primal probably, and unfortunately. we do it for girls or for selfish gain. in my case, it was probably both. growing up watching arnold schwartzenegger and sylvestor stallone movies had something to do with it. six-pack abs, chiseled arms, and thick chests were my goals when i was growing up. the goals didn't change much throughout college except that i got distracted with depression and security issues, which were most likely rooted in the aforementioned goals. it probably goes deeper, but that's another branch of this tree that i don't want to climb. yes, that's the best metaphor/analogy i could come up with. yes, you can use it.

so i embarked on a bodybuilding adventure of sorts involving bench pressing with a constipated face, eating 5 eggs after every workout, eating whatever i wanted at night because i "earned" it, and stroking my ego.

of course this all backfired in my face. i fell in love with the deadlift. my disc herniated. the disc pressed on my sciatic nerve. it runs down my legs. the chiropractor cracked my back to alleviate the symptoms. the pain switched from my right leg to left. i have no insurance and a year of bitching and moaning ensues.

now i'm sitting in front of this laptop, unable to put into words what i feel, maybe because i don't know how i really do feel. is this injury a form of God's discipline? if it is, great. will i carry this injury longer? for the rest of my life? do i even care about whether i get better or not? this injury is a crutch i can use to excuse myself from anything and everything, no matter what it is. job? nah, i don't know what i want to do because my back hurts. if my back was better, i could figure out what to do. girlfriend? nah, i'm not at my most attractive state. maybe if my back was better i could work out and a girl could fall in love with my body. future? who knows. my back's still messed up so i'm unsure.

now, i'm kind of scared to see what i'll do if my back really does get better or if i get a surgery. no more excuses. which is good. will i follow through and continue on living my life in a new and enlightened perspective? i don't know. my back is still messed up, maybe i'll know after i get an mri or something, but with my back being like this i won't really know for sure. we'll see.