i like it. it's clearer. but i think if the main character keeps quiet more, it may help. it's just my opinion, but i was thinking about charlie chaplin and the old silent films. how they don't talk, but a lot of it is "gag humor" and physical stuff. i mean there's not much dialogue in here anyway, just a thought. it's good though. i think when you explained it to me, i got pretty hyped up and i just want to read the whole thing, but i like how the gas container ends up being in the story, very nice. can't wait to read the rest.
just two quick things. the line where the boss says "things tend to break when i'm angry." sounds a bit corny, and if he's a powerful dude i think he should threaten to hurt the waiter or something. and when the waiter drives up in the nice manager's car to the girls, the girls should show their excitement at the nice car pulling up, so when the waiter pulls down the window and the girls see him in his waiter uniform or w/e it'll be more disappointing. just minor things to consider.
Yeah I think the Boss should say something more life threatening, but I also wanted to show him flaunting his power using his men. I guess I could just save that for when the Waitress comes in and he snaps at one of his men to pour her a drink...When the Waiter picks up the girls I had that scene in mind where the girls get disappointed when they see the Waiter, just didn't write it as clearly as I could. Sucks that I'm rushing this, but I guess I just wanted to get it done before I really can get into polishing it. Will update soon with the rest, thanks for the feedback.
I think when the waiter keeps asking the manager who's in the suite, the manager should be more douchebaggy like "don't worry about it!" or "why do you have so many words (makes more sense in korean)" it'll show the manager as a mean dude and another opposition to the waiter almost. and it shows how the waiter is mistreated and disrespected.
and when the boss tells the waiter to go outside and starts the song again, i think there should be dialogue of the boss yelling to start the song over and the groan will stand out more.
and i think when the waiter tries to tell the boss that it's a slow night and he can't get girls, the boss should say the same thing that the manager says, "why do you have so many words (better in korean, again)" and it can show the parallel or the same opposition he faces by basically everyone.
and i'm not sure if this is a typo, but at the king's suite when he comes back with the girls it says that the waiter gets hit and throws up on the boss's shoes. i thought that was for later unless you're trying to repeat it for added humor.
i think when he trips and spits the alcohol in the boss's face is hilarious. but reading how he gets angry at the boss for feeling up min jung seems a bit weird cause first she treated him like crap a few scenes ago and he'd probably be pissed at her. and i haven't really gotten the feeling from any scene that he likes her. maybe add a scene where he looks at her in wishful thinking?
when she sings the song of encouragement, is she singing with the karaoke mic? maybe there could be an earlier scene where he tries to make small talk with her and tells her what his favorite song is and then she sings that song for him.
i feel like the manager would run away in his car as soon as the waiter comes out, but maybe he slowly creeps into his car and that way the waiter has a chance to run up to his car and get in.
the rest seems fine to me. great job, dude. can't wait to see it come to life.
i like it. it's clearer. but i think if the main character keeps quiet more, it may help. it's just my opinion, but i was thinking about charlie chaplin and the old silent films. how they don't talk, but a lot of it is "gag humor" and physical stuff. i mean there's not much dialogue in here anyway, just a thought. it's good though. i think when you explained it to me, i got pretty hyped up and i just want to read the whole thing, but i like how the gas container ends up being in the story, very nice. can't wait to read the rest.
ReplyDeletejust two quick things. the line where the boss says "things tend to break when i'm angry." sounds a bit corny, and if he's a powerful dude i think he should threaten to hurt the waiter or something. and when the waiter drives up in the nice manager's car to the girls, the girls should show their excitement at the nice car pulling up, so when the waiter pulls down the window and the girls see him in his waiter uniform or w/e it'll be more disappointing. just minor things to consider.
ReplyDeleteYeah I think the Boss should say something more life threatening, but I also wanted to show him flaunting his power using his men. I guess I could just save that for when the Waitress comes in and he snaps at one of his men to pour her a drink...When the Waiter picks up the girls I had that scene in mind where the girls get disappointed when they see the Waiter, just didn't write it as clearly as I could. Sucks that I'm rushing this, but I guess I just wanted to get it done before I really can get into polishing it. Will update soon with the rest, thanks for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteI think when the waiter keeps asking the manager who's in the suite, the manager should be more douchebaggy like "don't worry about it!" or "why do you have so many words (makes more sense in korean)" it'll show the manager as a mean dude and another opposition to the waiter almost. and it shows how the waiter is mistreated and disrespected.
ReplyDeleteand when the boss tells the waiter to go outside and starts the song again, i think there should be dialogue of the boss yelling to start the song over and the groan will stand out more.
and i think when the waiter tries to tell the boss that it's a slow night and he can't get girls, the boss should say the same thing that the manager says, "why do you have so many words (better in korean, again)" and it can show the parallel or the same opposition he faces by basically everyone.
and i'm not sure if this is a typo, but at the king's suite when he comes back with the girls it says that the waiter gets hit and throws up on the boss's shoes. i thought that was for later unless you're trying to repeat it for added humor.
i think when he trips and spits the alcohol in the boss's face is hilarious. but reading how he gets angry at the boss for feeling up min jung seems a bit weird cause first she treated him like crap a few scenes ago and he'd probably be pissed at her. and i haven't really gotten the feeling from any scene that he likes her. maybe add a scene where he looks at her in wishful thinking?
when she sings the song of encouragement, is she singing with the karaoke mic? maybe there could be an earlier scene where he tries to make small talk with her and tells her what his favorite song is and then she sings that song for him.
i feel like the manager would run away in his car as soon as the waiter comes out, but maybe he slowly creeps into his car and that way the waiter has a chance to run up to his car and get in.
the rest seems fine to me. great job, dude. can't wait to see it come to life.