time

my sense of time has always been limited to calendars, clocks, the sun. i don't think i ever noticed i was getting older, that one day i would look my dad when he was 22, 23, 24. i don't think i ever knew that one day i would get lucky and find a girl that had enough pity on me to marry me, but that hasn't happened yet so i'm still crossing my fingers. i never understood really why my father would lecture me whenever we were alone in a car, it never hit that he was preparing me for the world, that in the world you were responsible to God, to people, and to yourself. but as the numbers increase every year i have a sense of urgency, a sense of overwhelming sadness that nothing is made to last, that everything that began will end.

we're all people getting older, we're all people that could use something, somebody, we're all people that are going to end. will our bodies become part of the earth for others to grow on, step on, cry on, love on, live on? are we just animals without souls, full of air? or are we souls trapped in bodies waiting to snatch a better one after this one dies? are we meant for eternity, to truly live, to be made new, to worship and give our all to our Creator? am i on my out? or am i on my out to something beautiful?

i feel like a child. i don't want to see my parents go, i don't want to lose my friends, my brothers, my sisters, i don't want to see my dog meet his end and know that he simply does not exist anymore. i don't want people to die without seeing life for what it is. life is a journey, a gift, a chance to truly live in eternity. life is hugging your mother, arm wrestling your father, laughing with your sister, playing guitar with your brother, watching a movie with a girl you like, awkward first kisses, lying on grass, climbing trees, taking vows, making toasts, having someone next to you in bed to keep you warm at night, helping those in need, loving those who hate, raising up hands, delighting in God, growing old, watching your kids grow old.

i can't help, but shed tears at funerals, at the thought of death. people say they're in a better place, but i'm not there with them or they with me. i cry that death is an option, that death must happen, and that people believe death is it. some days i believe the whole world deserves death and some days i believe everyone is innocent. i cry at the void that death leaves. the empty space that was once filled. they always will be refilled, but never the same. i cry at the loss of life; it was someone's father, mother, daugher, son, brother, sister, friend, lover. now there's a void where they once were. in time, we're all on our way out. in time, death is the final count.