She's Getting Married.

I spent most of the day thinking about all the things I was supposed to be doing as I moped around the house; I found myself on facebook almost incessantly, recently having been hooked on a lame application/time-killer called 'Mafia Wars'.

Since I was on facebook so much, I ended up looking a couple people up to see how they were doing... One of my ex-girlfriends is engaged. I browsed through some pictures as my heart slowly dropped. Surely, there was no way that we were going to ever recover any semblance of a relationship and me trying to say hello to her wasn't going to do either of us any good, but something in me had to.

Her pictures show an older version of the young teenager I dated, but with the same smile. Her smile is really actually what made her, I think. The ability to smile so happily in every situation, to know that while there were so many other things going on, that she should always smile. An admirable quality that makes me sick when I'm feeling like a nihilist. Nonetheless, she's smiling proudly in her pictures, happy. And engaged.

I'm not so sure what it is about the fact that really bothers me, I think it's probably my ego being bruised and shattered because I know that the man she's with now fixed himself after they broke up and she dated me, and was the better man in the end. Or maybe it's the fact I'm not on that same level, that I don't have anything resembling that anymore, that tonight, I'm chalking the day as an epic waste of time.

Nonetheless, she's engaged. I sent my congratulations via facebook; sometimes being courteous is more painful to me in text because I can see the words that I typed anytime, fully knowing how I really feel. Jealous. -- Or is it stupidity? I know that we were young, but really I think my own stupidity is what really drives this jealousy, that I didn't take our relationship seriously enough and let it end as poorly as it did. Stupid, that I let us fall out of touch. Stupid, that the one time we met back up I was still stupid. But there are certain mistakes that you make and try to leave in the past, even though they will make you toss and turn at night, or fill the silence of an empty room with an uneasiness almost too heavy to bear. It's memories like those and situations like this that make realize how I should value everything that I do every day, that nothing is worthless, and everything will come back in the end.


-w